Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Kaboom

Thanks for being patient and waiting for Part 2 of the ticking time bomb. I wanted to make sure things had settled with “my family” before I wrote this up to make sure I wasn’t coming from a bad place… and to make sure some of the negative drama had settled some before sharing with the world. So thanks for being awesome readers and giving me that time to organize my thoughts... and thanks for all the comments and support. I really appreciate it.

So without any more further hoop-la, here it is, Part 2:


Up until the other day when I finally hit “post” and aired my thoughts and feelings to the world, I believed my only option for keeping any relationship with my mother was to stand by in silence as my sister not only defamed my husband, my in-laws, and myself behind our backs, but went on a raging rampage with one goal in sight--- to get my mom to ultimately choose one daughter over the other for good. With my mom’s birthday around the corner, the stage was slowly setting for disaster.

Since I hadn’t given in to my sister’s actions and called her up to really let her have it and thus give her "a reason" to declare war on me, she’s been desperately trying to get me to boil over every chance she can, all in an effort to feel *justified* when she tells my mom she won’t tolerate being around me anymore and that my mom will just have to choose between the two of us…

She’ll remind my mom about how I stopped talking to her for 2 years and *abandoned her* and caused "all those problems." I’m sure she’ll toss in arguments about how she was the only one holding everyone together… and that my mom owes it to her for her *sacrifices*... and my mom will in turn choose my sister over me, like she’s done before (cough *disinvited to Christmas* cough), and allow the pattern to continue because it’s easier to tell my sister yes than no.

The situation would be all too simple if my sister wanted me gone for good… but she doesn’t.

After the 2 years I spent not talking to my mom and the emotional wreak that became of her in my absence, it’s safe to say that my sister is only out for 2 things. Power and Control. She merely wants to cause enough drama and strife to feel justified in removing me from the family so that she can strong arm my mom in my absence to write her will, leaving me out of it. Then once that is done and enough time has passed for her to grow bored with not having anyone to manipulate other than our mother, she’ll “reach-out” and allow me back into their lives on "her terms." After all, how can you bully someone if there isn’t anyone around? Then when I re-enter the picture by her good graces, she’ll convince my mom that there won’t be any need to amend the will and that she will just give me what’s fair when the time comes… Essentially leaving her feeling like she has full control over not only our mother, but me as well, finally having something permanent to hold over my head to "keep me in line." Then when she’s bored again, she’ll eject me once more from the family just to show she can, then relent and invite me back…

Rinse and Repeat.

Sounds exhausting right? Well it is… and it wasn’t until earlier this month that I realized I actually had a third option.

I could just take all of her power away.

Imagine a world where my sister’s scare tactics and threats didn’t hold any power at all… Think about it. The only reason her threats hold any weight is because I let them. So the question now becomes, can I just render my sister obsolete and make her not matter anymore? Is that even possible? I guess when you realize you don’t have anything to lose and everything to gain, you grow bolder and I decided to take the gamble. If I lost, then I was only speeding up the inevitable, but either way it would mean no real further damage.

So I decided not to take up my sister’s offer to “chat if I wanted to” and didn’t call her back. I decided that if my mom called me up asking why I wasn’t “reaching out to my sister” that I would tell her the truth… All of it. How hurt I was with her that she allowed my sister to call the shots in our relationship, my disappointments from the wedding, the baptism, and the exclusion from the family thus far... there was going to be no more sugar coating things.

But my mom didn’t call me up… and I kept biding my time. Waiting....
I got a few text messages from my sister about my mom’s upcoming birthday trip to Disneyland and I continued to plan the details with her, never offering more about myself and my life, but keeping things polite and not giving her a reason to start the war before I was ready. I kept praying for the right moment to come along and kept getting the impression that I should wait and keep my mouth shut… so I did.

Then my sister called me up again and I could tell she was determined to get something out of me that she could use against me to set her plan to evict me back in motion. After all, with our mom’s birthday just around the corner, she was running out of time if she wanted to use that moment... for without it, she’d have to wait until November when all her future in-laws were around for Thanksgiving… and I’m sure her fiancĂ© wouldn’t appreciate her ruining the holiday for his family too…
So the other night while I was making dinner, my phone went off and the wicked witch ring tone from the Wizard of OZ sounded ominously on the counter indicating it was my sister on the other line.

“So, what are you doing…”           
  • ME: “Making dinner…”
“Well, what are you making?”                     
  • ME: “Burgers and Salad…”
“So, you’re like the one like grilling???”       
  • ME: “No, SCB is grilling and I’m making a salad to go along with my burger.”
“Oh, so why do you never really call me.”
  • ……
And in that moment I knew it was now or never… Up until this point I hadn’t had to lie point blank and I had promised myself that I wouldn’t. So, I asked her if I could be honest with her, and while she grunted some rude response and then paused, I took the floor. I told her that her actions these last 6 months (including how she has been lying to my mom to purposefully make he upset, slinging SCB’s family through the mud, and being particularly unkind in terms of lying about the church for her own selfish gain) really didn’t invite the type of relationship or friendship that would make me want to call her up and chat.

She instantly started hollering and disinvited me to our mom’s birthday, which I knew was coming… So again, I remained calm and I didn’t get upset because it’s what she wanted me to do. Instead I just sighed like a parent does with an upset child who doesn’t get it and I told her that I didn’t need to go to Disneyland to celebrate our mom’s birthday with her. I told her that I could just grab a bite to eat and celebrate with her on "our terms" … so it was fine if she wanted to uninvited me because I could just make other plans.

With her first scare tactic eliminated and no angry response audible from me like she was hoping to recieve, she moved on and started in on tactic number 2…  Let's just say there were just lots of comments about how I *abandoned* our mom and how she was always the one there for her, calling her, keeping everything together… How she was the better daughter…

and in the moment she paused for air I just told her that she was right

which shocked the pants off her and granted me a few moments to continue. I told her that yes, she was there for mom those 2 years and I wasn’t… and I'm okay with that because it was more important for me to be away.

Then I beat her to the punch. I brought up the will she wanted my mom to write and informed her that I’d already sat down with our mom and spoke to her about her will and let her know that if she wanted to leave nothing to me, that she could because its hers and that her decision would not affect whether or not I loved her and wanted a relationship with her so there was no real point to bring that up again because it was already discussed well over a month ago.

It was clear that the demure and calmness or my attitude towards the whole conversation was getting to her because more than anything she wanted me to get upset so she could feel justified in her actions. Add in the realization that I had been un-doing the damage she’d been doing these past few months without her knowledge and she was rocked to the core.

Sure, she might have known I had grabbed lunch with my mom before my baptism, but she really had no idea what we talked about because no one (namely me) had bothered to call her up to yell at her for what she’d been doing behind my back. So for months she believed she had gotten away with smearing SCB’s family and my husband and I in the mud without us being the wiser. But now she was angry and taken aback. Not only had I known and tried to un-do the damage without involving her, but she realized something had changed between us. Normally by now she’d have me in a screaming match with her on the phone where I’d stoop down to her level and toss garbage at her just the same… but not this time.

And it wasn’t over yet.

If I was going to take her power over me away, I had to emphatically take all her ideas, thoughts, opinions, and threats that she had used at one time or the other and make them worthless. I had to give her no return arguments to sling my way so she would walk away wounded and feeling justified in her anger. So I moved on to the final blow. I told her that I knew she was going to naturally call up our mom and insist that she spend every major holiday, birthday and gathering with her and not me…

but I quickly interjected that she needn’t worry because we (my mom and I) had already decided that we would just make alternate arrangements to celebrate together without her when it was convenient for us to do so, so we could insure that we could enjoy our holidays together.

She called me names and hung up the phone and that was that.

Just like that… in one 15 minute conversation I had effectively told my sister that:
  • She couldn’t really stop me from celebrating our mothers birthday by “disinviting” me to things like she had in the past... (In the past this hurt so much because my mom wouldn't stand up for me and would just let my sister run the show and we'd have to wait around while my mom convinced my sister to be the bigger person and relent, which meant my mom agreeing with her that I was infact evil.)
  • That I couldn’t be bothered by her threats of being financially tossed out of the family because being in the will no longer matter to me after my last conversation with my mom at lunch. I got a chance to tell my side of the story and my sister wasn't aware that, that conversation had taken place. (she was hoping that the idea of being financial written out of my mom's will would hurt my pride and make me walk away again on my own accord at the injustice of the fact that my mom would even consider doing it.)
  • That her presence was no longer required or welcomed in my life (which would naturally upset her since she has a ton of insecurity issues and can't stand being out of the loop)
  • That I had in fact spoken with my mother without her knowledge and it stayed that way until I chose to share it with her (therefore making her prior role in the family as "controller" obsolete)
  • and finally that I had grown beyond her petty immature games and would no longer be bothered by her antics.
While some of these mind trick senarios might not make all that much sense to you, to me they are very real because they are litterly the fabric that has held my family together for its entirety.

After my sister hung up the phone, I looked over to my husband and confirmed I was speaking to my sister on the phone and he immediately broke into a happy dance in our living room…

1 phone call down with my sister and 1 to go with my mother…

Only I wasn’t sure when that one would happen since I needed to wait for my mom to call me for all of this to work out the way I was hoping that it would... 

Considering the last time I talked with my mom was infact the luncheon before my baptism (and the phone call inviting her to dinner that was declined...) I had a lot of ground to cover and needed to make sure I played my cards right...   Phone rang 3 hours later at 8pm that night.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Ticking Time Bomb...

If your wondering about the lack of posts this week, its because we have been having a lot of emotional turmoil in our house this week and I just haven't been ale to pull it together.

I started writing this post 2 weeks ago, and I was wondering if I should even share it... but now that other events have expired, I feel I must. I’m not sure how often people read the comments that follow after some of my blog articles, but I wrote the following reply to Michelle's comments on the blog in response to my post “It’s been a bad few days” 
"… So it’s either I put up with her (my sister) and not break my mom's heart, or I initiate war... and right now I just don't feel that my emotion arsenal could take that kind of damage and come out okay... So for now I'll balance between the fragile peace of silence and distance before a grenade goes off...”
And I can’t get it out of my head. For the past week or so I've felt the weight of these words... and for the past month or so I've seen my energy level shrivel up and die, bogged down by the emotional overload caused from my sister.… I found myself making more trips to the kitchen to hide myself in vanilla ice cream Chocolate Syrup and Carmel Sauce “happy” …

SCB and I have been struggling as I continue to find only negative things to brew and dwell upon... and I just feel this immense need to crawl deep within me and place my battle armor on so nothing can penetrate inside, to welcome the shelter and inner fortress I’ve long held at bay that once granted me strength during the tough years…

If I’m honest, I feel beaten, defeated, and raw…

and I just want to throw something and hear it shatter and break the silence. And the sad truth of the matter is that I know the real issues are still on the horizon… just waiting to meet the dawn and explode.


2 Weeks Ago I got a phone call from my sister...

and I just assumed she called me to talk about plans for my mom’s upcoming birthday gathering (you can read about last year’s debacle here and here). After some phone tag I finally caught her that evening… Our conversation was quick, but it wasn’t about the tentative plans for my mom's birthday. Instead she was telling me that she was just calling to chat…

Sure, she dropped in things like how I never call her up to socialize and how she just wanted to just check in and let me know I could call her to talk… if I wanted to... and a moment later in the same sentence she managed to convey that it was too late to chat so she was calling it a night… but I could call her… if I wanted to

All in all, just a few moments on the phone, but I could feel those “real issues” that were floating on the horizon slowly come into play and with my mom’s birthday around the corner, she’s looking for something big to add to the anger she was able to stir up with my baptism...

The only problem is that my sister has done this in the past… so I know what's coming. You see, her phone call out of the blue asking me how things are going will later be used in a conversation with my mom as evidence about how she’s been *trying* to reach out to me like she's been *asked* to do and that I simply can’t be bothered to try and foster a *better* relationship with her…

The problem is that I don’t want to talk with her. I don’t want to share with her the events of my life, especially considering she convinced my mom to come drunk to my baptism, skip out on my confirmation, and try and force my mom to write a will for the entire purpose of writing me out of it.

So I’m sorry, but no. Those actions don’t invite an environment of friendship and the only reason I haven’t spoken with my sister directly about her extremely inappropriate behavior is because it will only give her the spark she needs to ignite the grenade and blow everything up...

But I’m tired.

I’m tired of trying to go out of my way to accommodate them and their bubble. I'm tired of holding back my feelings. I want to tell my mom how hurt I am that she as an adult chose to come to my baptism drunk and how dinner with my sister was more important to her that night instead of coming to the dinner I invited them both to at my home.

I want to tell my mom how much it hurts that we have offered to help her with things and she just doesn’t respond and ignores us because my sister won't let us help her.

I want to tell my mom how I’m still hurt that she left my wedding reception the nano second the toasts were over and the cake was served to go to a bar with my sister because she wanted to... and how it breaks my heart that she missed out on that day.

I want to tell my mom how much it hurts to know that in the end, she’ll always side with her...


And while grace is truly an empowering thing, extending grace and forgiveness doesn’t mean I have to keep standing in the ring taking blow after blow after blow.

But I'm learning. After a lifetime spent as a door mat you have all seen me grow. I have had moments where I allow myself to be the victim time and time again... and moments where I not only stand my ground, but take 2 giant leaps forward.

It's been a cycle of rinse and repeat.

It's been 26 years of emotional abuse and its time it came to an end.

If I don’t choose to play along and forget the past year or so, my sister will just keep tormenting me until I crack and she gets what she wants... so I'm going to play the only card i'm left with.

I'm going to drop bomb myself, on my own terms, and finally end this once and for all... 

Friday, September 7, 2012

Property Tax Assessment Petition, year 2

After my much productive day yesterday, I'm proud to say I finally got around to submitting the information to challenge my property taxes for 2012 (based on the sales from 2011).

Why file again? Because they don't roll over any amount changes to the next year. Apparently they do an informal review that you have to request in January or February if you actually know about it to try and have them look at your specs before petitioning... but if you don't know about that (which i didn't) You have to reply every year until what they mail you is accurate and something you can live with.

While I got my value down last year to $115,000.00 I believe it has further dropped down to $113,000.00 instead of the $123,321.00 they believe my property is worth.

For some reason it seemed easier this year to fill out the application, but I still had to spend over 45 minutes on the phone with people to get simple questions answered.

For starters, the Clerk of the Board has no "account user name" retrieval system online (where they will send it to you in an email)... so while I knew the password I needed to log into the system, I could not, for the LIFE of me remember what user name I had entered, even after trying all the standbys.

So after a brief phone call, the woman told me i'd just have to make a new account. About a page or two into the system, I had to call again to make sure which box to fill in (secured or unsecured), since there were mandatory marks on both and I only had the right information to fill in secured... so another long hold and pause on their telephone line and eventually I had the meat and potatoes of the operation down. Then it was a quick signature on the form, a stamp, and an address and volia!

All done.

Only problem is I still have yet to receive my refund from winning my case last month and its been over a month since I received my award letter in the mail stating that I had won my case.

So i had to call the Clerk of the Board again, and I was transferred to the tax collectors office. The Tax collectors office tried to shove me back the the main clerk number I had just been transferred from and after a little slight pushing, I finally got the woman to tell me they had cut a check to Bank of America for $61.50 on August 24th and directed me to contact BOFA to find out why they hadn't put my credit online.

So, after much waiting and being on hold, I called up BOFA and got a person in the right department and after they pulled up my account information, I told the man I was calling to inquire about why they check cut from the tax collectors office on August 24th for $61.50 has failed to appear in my tax account. He told me he wouldn't be able to track the payment without more information. They needed to know if it was an electric deposit, or a paper check, the check number and the amount...

So, another phone call to the Clerk of the board, a transfer to the tax collectors office, and a much more helpful gal names Jessica, and I found out that the first lady failed to inform me that there were 2 checks cut, by paper for $30.75, I was given both checks numbers, and was informed that they were not actually mailed out until August 31st, not the 24th. The gal also gave me her direct line if I needed to contact her back for any reason if they bank needed more information.

Now that's helpful!

So, considering Monday was a holiday, most likely the check will be arriving at BOFA early next week so if by Friday I don't see anything in my account, I'll just have to contact them back with the check tracking information.

Phew!

Then once the money is in there, i'll have to request the BOFA send me a check from the escrow account that I can take and apply towards the mortgage to make taking the day off of work and going to court worth it by saving more money on interest :)

Thursday, September 6, 2012

I need to force myself to be productive today...

and really start to tackle my weekly to do list.. Today alone I need to:

Get new permit for weekend sales location. Done

I need to call up and pay our annual insurance premiums... finished at 3pm!

I need to file our property tax dispute forms for last year... done at 3:45pm!

Get a swim workout in to start marathon cross training program... finished at 1:45pm!

Have the missionaries over for a lesson... (thats at 7pm)

Time how long it takes me to make a crochet flower and list all the materials and steps down for Fantastic Friday at church, and send a bunch of church emails...

Make a to do list for SCB for tomorrow (he's a little hopeless without a list of what to do for the day in terms of chores)...

Get rid of the 5 bags of books in my trunk that have been there since last month...

and get a decent blog post up for tomorrow so you don't end up with something like this again!

I know i'm still forgetting some things so its my hope that if I keep updating this throughout the day, I might actually get things done since i'm putting it all out there for cyber space to see.

Wish me luck!

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

September Budget

So last month's attempt at a No spend month wasn't too stellar... but i'm okay with it. We had a great time with family and sometimes that's just what you need when you need it... and thankfully by months end everything worked out.

We are going to try to cut our expenses again this month and just be uber careful with money because we are just a small portion short for the new glass slider door/window costs (without dipping into of EF savings) and with the overtime i'll get from working Labor Day, the money SCB earned from working the wedding, and being careful, we think well get everything together by months end :)

As for our annual goal to pay down the mortgage 2 payments worth, I think that idea will be abandoned for the year now that we are paying for new windows and that ticket item is far more costly than the extra 2 mortgage payments would be... But its not a cosmetic want... its a need. You can litterly poke a chopstick through the gap in the window and the frame... but we will see how the rest of the year goes with paying extra towards the mortgage.

Here's our September Budget:

Paycheck #1:
  • Mortgage (Principle, Interest, Property taxes, MIP, and a few dollars extra): $809.40
  • Giving $120.00
  • Fast Offering: $10
  • Groceries & Food: $240.00
  • Prescriptions/doctors appointments: $20.00
Paycheck #2:
  • Giving: $120.00
  • HOA: $262.50
  • Insurance (2 Autos, earthquake, homeowners) $135.00
  • Utility Bills (2 Cell Phones, Electricity, Internet): $230.00
  • Prescriptions/doctors appointments: $10.00
  • Gasoline/Auto: $150.00
  • Christmas: $50.00
  • Roth IRA $161.90
  • Other/Fun Money: $80.00
  • Overtime/Holiday pay (give 10%, then catch up the Roth IRA, & put remainder towards windows)
South County Boy Income:
  • Towards the new windows or the Roth if we get that all taken care of.
How we spent our Money Last Month:

  • Groceries/House Supplies: $249.26 (We had a lot of people at our house!!!)
  • Eating Out: 38.57 ($21.60 less than last month!!!! and $10 of what we did spend was because SCB was working a 12 hour gig for the wedding.)
  • Gasoline: $151.58
  • Car Repairs/Other: $0.00
  • Giving: $301.00
  • Prescriptions: $0.00
  • Housing: $2,738.90 (included the New window deposit. Without deposit $1,071.90)
  • Re-occurring Bills (Cell, Electricity, Internet): $216.18
  • Gifts/birthdays: $0.00
  • Clothes: $101.38
  • Other: $91.82
  • Medical/Dental/Vision: $0.00
  • Vacation: $24.00
How we spent our Money thus far in 2012:
  • Groceries/Household Supplies: $1,847.30
  • Eating Out: $980.78
  • Cars
    • Gasoline: $1130.56
    • Car Repairs/Smog/Registration/INS: $1035.01
  • Giving: $1544.29
  • Prescriptions: $113.00
  • Housing: $10,338.93
  • Re-occurring Bills
    • Cell: $1,098.22
    • Electricity: $342.84
    • Internet: $290.54
  • Gifts/Birthdays/Holidays: $474.40
  • Medical/Dental/Vision: $333.95
  • Vacation: $965.81
    • Utah
      • $85.52 Shopping
      • $168.88 Gasoline / Tolls / Transportation
      • $119.98 Food/Eating Out
    • Disneyland: $142.19 (Parking, Food, & Shopping)
    • Utah/Great Basin National Park
      • Gasoline: $194.05
      • Tolls: $12.00
      • Souvenirs: $48.27
      • Campsite: $18.00
      • Cave Tours: $16.00
      • Food/Going Out: $136.92
    • Discovery Science Center: $24.00
  • Any Other Spending (Clothes, things, etc): $1,449.76

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Weekly Updates

Well its sure been a fast flying couple of weeks for our household and some of my slacking off has prepared me for a very busy week with lots of phone calls and plans to make.

This weekend will will be driving up and selling our merchandise and SCB's dads bobbin inventory at a lace convention... which will make for a busy weekend ontop of the fact that I need to pull another permit from the BOE for that location, need to file a dispute for this years property tax still, need to call in and pay our earthquake and homeowners insurance premiums, and get all prepared for the church activities i'm helping with too!

You will notice a very large expense on August 21st... That would be the materials deposit for our 2 glass slider doors for our condo. The whole job will be slightly under $3k when we are done... but thankfully after another week of phone calls from other window companies and my threatening to contact the BBB about their robo calling, my phone has been silent. My windows should arrive sometime next week (We had a custom order one since its an odd size) and then we will pick an install date! I'm so excited to have them fixed before the santa anna winds blow through! Fall is so almost here and I can't wait because I love fall... everything about it is just awesome!

SCB has also been getting work! Last weekend he worked a wedding and before that he had a 4 hour gig with apple one working a registration table... and add in the last farmers market and this weekends opportunity to sell and things are just looking up, for which i'm glad. After this weekend we will be trying to work hard on going live with the Etsy site... Wish us luck!


Weekly Spending:
19-Aug
20-Aug
21-Aug
  • $20.62 Gasoline
22-Aug
  • $1,657.00 Window Deposit
$57.45
  • Gasoline
23-Aug
24-Aug
  • $137.66 Cell Phones
25-Aug
  • $15.00 gas
  • $10.00 Eating out for SCB while working
26-Aug
  • $145.00 Giving
27-Aug
  • $30.06 Walmart (Groceries)
28-Aug
  • $35.14 Internet
29-Aug
  • $262.50 HOA Fee
30-Aug
31-Aug

Money Goals:
  1. 2012 Roth IRA SCG $3,072.36 / $5,000.00 (61.44%)
  2. Car Fund: $32.58 / $1,000.00 (3.25%)
  3. Paying Extra on the house: $179.74/ $1,301.28 (2 additional Mortgage Payments) (13.81%)
  4. 2nd Roth IRA: $0.00 We will just add up all of SCB's earned income for the year and at the end of the year just put at least 15% into a Retirement account for him...
    1. Apple One: $140.00 earned this year. (plus the gig he hasn't got paid for yet)
    2. RDS: $135.40
    3. Labor Ready: $0.00
    4. Wedding Florist Assistant...: ? (He gets paid soon so well find out then)
    5. Wood Turning: I don't think his business stuff counts as income until there is a profit and right now his wood turning business is in the red for the year since we are still investing profits to expand our inventory.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Happy Labor day all!

I'll be honoring labor day by working... But at least its at time and a half and that extra money can go towards the Roth IRA and our new windows (yup, were getting new slider doors for the condo, I cracked and couldn't take the old ones any longer!).

End of month posts and updates should be coming right around the corner per their usual :)